Children

*see note

Don't ever say things like this to people:
"Oh, so you had your girl and boy and then quit."
"Aren't you glad you only have two?"
"Well, at least you only have (insert # here) to put through college."

...Because it's rude. And you don't know what a person's story is.

My first child left my womb when I was only 7 weeks pregnant. I know I will see that boy or girl in heaven one day, but I still mourn that loss almost 14 years later.

I had a beautiful, unmedicated labor and delivery with my daughter (now 12). But with a platelet count of only 6,000 (normal is hundreds of thousands), and pinpoint bruises signifying bleeding under the skin, she was quickly transferred to a medical university. There she underwent blood transfusions and IVIG, and had ultrasounds on her body and brain to check for the internal bleeding that is highly likely with platelet levels that low. She didn't have any internal hemorrhaging, praise the Lord. And even though they thought she'd be in the hospital for weeks, I got down on my knees in my hospital room and prayed she'd be released early. God heard that prayer and she was released 3 days later - on my Birthday! I always tell her that she was my birthday present from the Lord.

Tests confirmed that her platelet issue was due to a genetic platelet incompatibility between my husband and me. We are 100% incompatible, and my body will always see the baby's platelets as foreign and attack them. They told us it wasn't a reason not to have kids - I could get treatments during the pregnancy to keep the baby healthy. Two years later, after an extremely difficult pregnancy (part of which I shared yesterday, and I'll share more about later in the month), I delivered my son by c-section under general anesthesia. His platelet count was only 7,000 (at 37 weeks gestation). All the treatments, with all their terrible side effects, did not work on me. So we had to make the very difficult decision not to have more children.

I always wanted a big family. God had other plans. Not long after I had my son, I started having symptoms that would later lead to a brain tumor diagnosis. I've been fighting my health ever since, so adoption hasn't been an option.

It still hurts me that God chose to limit my family size. I cried into the hair of one of my gorgeous little nieces as I rocked her to sleep the other day. But the Lord spoke to my heart. He is everything I need. I am blessed to have the children I have. I am blessed with 18 nieces and nephews (with more on the way). And I am blessed to have a profession where I get to be with women having babies. So I live vicariously through my family and my clients, and I lean on God when the disappointment shows up. And I try to smother all the little kids in my life with lots of love - yes, I am that aunt! Over the years, I have been learning to allow the Author to rewrite my story, trusting that His revisions to my plans are for the best.

A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

For more on plans: Read my post Pause, on making plans and waiting on God.

*Unfortunately, I don't know who to credit for this wonderful drawing. If it's yours, please tell me.